Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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