At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
