just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
