What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
True strength comes from lack of pants
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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