Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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