I accidentally had phone sex last night
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Randomize
