end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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