Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
