she smelled like a LAN party
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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