By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
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