I think i peed on brittanys purse
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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