Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
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