my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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