Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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