Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
