Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
