Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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