I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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