Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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