she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
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The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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