I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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