My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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