my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
My vagina is officially offended.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
