Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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