Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I enjoy the company of your penis
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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