Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
