Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
