It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
