why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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