you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
