I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
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I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize