Can i not drive my cunt home
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
NoShamevember. You game?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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