Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
