the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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