I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
