Just fell off a train. Bad.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just invented taco cereal.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
