Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
