why didn't you poke me back
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
