im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Houston, we have a blender
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Randomize
