he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
