Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
