You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
