I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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