I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
where are my pants?
in the oven.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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