I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
