Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
