What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
