Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
