True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
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She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
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ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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