my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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