I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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