Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
