Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
