I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
