my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Randomize
